I wish I could say this is my first blog and I also wish I could say that I always start writing and posting when I'm happy, but as you may have understood from premises, this is not my case.
With my job I travel the world, I have a lovely girlfriend and I have no serious issues.
I should be feeling like I'm on top of the world, but I'm not. Why?
I'd like to have an explanation for the way I feel, but unfortunately I haven't. I just know it's sad and it's driving me crazy, literally. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't have a clue where to start from and start living again.
I'm not sleeping enough and my weight is going up and down. I've been working hard on my appearance in the close past and I managed to lose weight and put on some muscle, all for nothing.
Since I started with the new job I gained some weight, nothing too extreme, but enough to bring me down and make me feel like I've wasted my time while trying to lose it.
Recently I moved in with my girlfriend, thinking to sort all of our problems just by living together, but obviously it hasn't happened. No matter how far and fast you run away, problems will always get there first if you don't deal with them, it doesn't matter if you're Usain Bolt or "the Flash", thy'll be there.
"Maybe" that's the problem. I wrote"Maybe" as a sarcastic way to point out that I'm sure that my attitude towards all that was happening in my life is the main reason why I'm writing this depressing post at the moment.
Now that I think about it, I've always avoided inconvenient decisions and I've always tended to close my eyes and wait for the storm to end, leaving nothing around me but myself and this feeling of loneliness that have always been a part of me since when I was a teenager.
The weirdest thing in the whole picture of me that I've just described, it's that I can actually say that people like me, they enjoy my company because when I'm in public I'm a funny guy to have around. Fact is I always tend to let people down. I can spend amazing time with people but then, all of a sudden, I disappear for no reason. Is it because I'm afraid to disappoint them if we hang around together again? Is it because I'm afraid to ruin everything and I'd rather save the "happy memory" forever? I still don't know the reason why I always act this way. I guess it can be compared to a serial killer's modus operandi, a mental process that repeats itself. It's, sadly, my trademark.
Chapter girlfriend. I love her, I mean it, I really do, but it's like I'm incapable of handle the relationship. We are actually in a tough period since a while and even if I'm always trying to sort things out on my mind, I had a "lack of practical effort". I'm stuck, I don't know what to do to make things right, also because I know she deserves to be treated with more consideration and my condition of "alienated guy" doesn't really help. At the moment it's like if we're just sharing the apartment. When I come back home from days spent miles away from home I'm always tired and I also started to barely talk to her. The less we speak, the worse it is each time I come back home. I'm sorry for the way she feels and with my attitude I've seen her crying too much. I do love her, but should I let her go for her own mental safety? I want to sort things out but the thing is taking too much time and sufferance and it's not fair to make people feel bad because at the moment I feel like I'm in a coma. I can breath, I think and I want to do something, but my body and part of my brain are incapable of anything.
I'm finishing this post with more questions than when I started writing, but at least now I can look at those questions whenever I become numb and I lose the point while being emotional.
I'm quite sure this is not the last time I'm gonna write something of this kind just to let myself go a little bit.
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